


Black Lines

by Eladriel



Series: Yin & Yang [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, BAMF!Aziraphale, Character Death, Crowley gets attacked, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I Don't Even Know, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Let's see where this is going, M/M, Memory Loss, Temporary Character Death, Torture, a little bit AU, happy end, lots of feelings, part time memory loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-07 08:39:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19205830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eladriel/pseuds/Eladriel
Summary: Two years after the not-apocalypse Crowley gets attacked by an old enemy and left with a wound that will kill him slowly.What will Aziraphale do when he finds out? Will they find a way to safe him?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I started this with only two scenes in my head which I despreatly wanted to put into one story. 
> 
> Be warned, english is not my native language so enjoy all the mistakes you find.

It was often assumed that Angels would be able to sense love. That was only partly correct. They could “see” if somebody or something was loved. They also had a keen eye when it comes to witnessing acts of love but just has humans they sometimes seemed to be completely blind when affection is shown towards them.

 

It was said that Demons could sense lust. That was just a myth. They never lost the ability to sense love. They just ignored it to a point where they couldn’t remember to use it anymore. Demons were not supposed to love. They were not worth to be loved. That’s what they’ve been told, that’s what they believed and that is why they despised love.

 

< >       < >      < >       < >

 

It happened unnoticed by anyone sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning. After Aziraphale and Crowley left the Ritz they walked over to the bookshop to continue their conversation and without realizing it emptied several more bottles of wine. They had been lost in their own, alcohol drunken thoughts for a while when Crowley realized: “When has it gotten dark outside?”

“Don’t know” answered Aziraphale still staring at a particular book in one of the shelves.

“Should go home” murmured Crowley and Aziraphale nodded absently.

He stood up a little bit more swaying than usual and walked towards the door. He turned around “Bye Angle” and closed the door behind him.

“Bye Love” answered Aziraphale nearly a minute after the door was closed and still far too deep in his thoughts to realize what he just said.

And just as he had spoken those two words a small hidden feather of Crowley's wings turned white.


	2. A Monday in March - 2 years after the not-apocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley gets captured

 

“Crowley, Crowley, Crowley …” a husky voice behind his back murmured.

Crowley was laying on his side facing a dark stone wall. His head was aching terrible and he blinked slowly to get his vision cleared. Besides his whole body hurting when he tried to move he also realized that his hands and ankles were bound. Groaning he tried to move around to see who his capturer was.

“You know” the voice said “I found out. I finally figured out how you did it two years ago.”

Crowley finally managed to turn around but the person talking to him was lingering in the shadows, hiding his face from him.

“Took me a while to be honest. But I think it will be worth it.”

Crowley tried to concentrate to miracle away the bindings but he felt completely drowned of his energy.

“Oh don’t bother to try that. It will not work here. I’m not that stupid to let you escape now that I finally caught you.”

Crowley tried to remember how he exactly he got caught. He remembered leaving Aziraphales bookshop and walking to his car. Due to a construction site he had had to park a few streets away.  He hadn’t heard anyone approaching, the next thing he knew was this terrible headache.  

“You know, I once thought you were one of us. That you belonged in hell. But you betrayed hell and you betrayed me. Do you remember? When you left me in that cave? It took me nearly 100 years to get out of it.”

*oh fuck* Crowley thought. “That was 2000 years ago” he groaned.

“Yes 2000 years. I had 2000 years to think about how I will pay you back. First, I thought I could capture this little Angel friend of yours. Torture him a little you know”

Crowley couldn’t stop the panic from raising inside of him. The room he was in had a stone floor, stone walls and just a small door and now windows. But besides his capturer and him the room was empty.

“Don’t panic, at least not yet, catching an Angel would have caused too much trouble.

I also thought about just killing you. Sending your soul back to hell and watch them destroy you. But I haven’t waited and planned to just do a quick kill and let the others have the fun. Same with just destroying you. But as I mentioned I had 2000 years to figure something out.”

The other Demon stepped out of the shadow and presented a syringe to Crowley.

“I diluted one drop of holy water so far that it will not destroy you directly but slowly. Oh so slowly. It took me a few hundred years and some test objects to find the right mixture.”

The other demon smiled ominously “Six months Crowley. You will die for the next six months. And I will watch your suffering. I will watch when you start to pray again for the pain to stop. And I will watch when you will finally beg your little Angel to kill you because you can’t stand it anymore before you finally just vanish.” The demon sank to his knees still smiling as he injected the clear liquid into Crowley's veins. “Goodbye Crowley” he whispers in his ear before leaving him.

A few moments later his bindings fall to the ground. Crowley sat up slowly covering his face in his hands. His skin burned where he was injected. *Fuck* was the first thought that came to his mind. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what just happened.

*No* he thought. He will not give this bastard the satisfaction to pray neither will he ask Aziraphale to kill him. He will not ask that from him. Six months. He had six months to figure something out. He was not ready to die just jet. Crowley started to shiver. What if he couldn’t find a way? What if he really had to die? He had hoped for more time. Had hoped for many years he could spend with Aziraphale. Hoped for more lunches, dinners and picnics or lazy evenings in the bookshop.

When suddenly a wave of nausea caught him, which made him throw up heavily.

“Fuck!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the story so far.   
> If you like it leave kudos or comments and I will continue with the next chapters.


	3. 4 ½ Weeks later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 ½ Weeks had gone by since Crowley had been attacked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for all the lovely comments.   
> I wasn't quite happy with my first version of this chapter, so I did some adjustments this morning.

The first two weeks after the attack Crowley had spent most of his time at the bookshop. The constant headache had only been bearable when it had been dark around him. And silent. Every louder sound had sent a flashing pain through his nervous system. Though he couldn’t stand to be alone. He had tried the first two days but as soon as he had been staring in the empty darkness of his flat the walls had been closing in on him. His breathing and heartrate had quickened to a point where he had wanted to scream to make it all stop.

It was a lucky coincidence he had thought that Aziraphales bookshop was a dim and quiet place which was nearly all the time occupied by an Angel.

He had found himself standing at the door a few minutes after a very intense panic attack, his heart still racing and his head hurting like hell. Aziraphale had lead him inside with a worried face. He hadn’t asked any questions, had led him into his bedroom in the back of his store and had sat at his side until he had finally fallen asleep.

“Are you feeling better?” Aziraphale had asked the next morning handing him a cup of tea. He had just nodded.

Crowley hadn’t liked that worried look upon the Angels face. It had taken all his self-control to act as normal as possible to convince Aziraphale that he was okay again.  

The day had gone by quite normal, Aziraphale had been busy observing the few customers that had entered the store to make sure his precious books were safe and Crowley had stayed in the little office just stepping into the store room when he had felt the panic raising up again. As if Aziraphale had been able to sense his discomfort he had stopped with what he was doing and had sent him a soft smile. It had been all that was needed to calm Crowley’s feelings.

He hadn’t left the bookstore that day or the next. He had just stayed and Aziraphale had never asked him to leave.

 

When the headache had subsided to a dull throbbing feeling in the back of his head he had invited Aziraphale for lunch. He had seen the relieve on the Angels face as Crowley felt more like himself again.

They had spent the night drinking in the bookshop. Not as excessive as they did shortly before the not happened apocalypse, only enjoying a good bottle wine and the opportunity to have talk.

“Do you want to tell me what was bothering the last two weeks?”

“No. I mean I was just not feeling like myself lately. Just needed some quiet days I think.”

Aziraphale had nodded but Crowley had known that he hadn’t been convinced.

“I will go home. I need to water my plants and check on my mailbox.”

Aziraphale had walked him to the front door and had pulled him into a quick hug.

“Stay safe.” He had whispered as the Demon walked down the street.

 

Crowley had miracled himself home feeling completely exhausted afterwards. He had felt dizzy; a short teleportation shouldn’t use up so much of his energy. A sudden wave of nausea had hit him out of nowhere and had to lean against the nearest house wall. Just in time he had managed to get into his bathroom before had to throw up.

He couldn’t remember how many days he had been sitting on the cold tiles one wave of nausea following another and another.

He was tired and exhausted. He hadn’t been able to sleep; his face was covered in dried tears that had come every time he had to vomit and his clothes stuck to his skin. During the last day the nausea had faded. With shaky legs he finally stood up and undressed slowly. His flat wasn’t usually cold, being a Demon, he liked it warm, but right now he just felt freezing cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
> The next one will be Aziraphales pov of this four weeks.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphales pov of the 4 weeks after the attack

Aziraphale hadn’t been surprised that Crowley had been knocking at his door at the beginning of the night unannounced. In the last two years the spontaneous visits had become quite a regular thing.

 “Crowley”, the state his friend had him worried. Crowley’s face had been even more pale than usual, his hair had been messy and he had forgotten to put on his sunglasses, showing his troubled eyes. It had hurt Aziraphale to see him like this, so unlike his usual self.

As Crowley wouldn’t talk about anything at that moment he had carefully taken his hand and had led him to the bedroom. He himself wasn’t a regular sleeper, besides the few times he felt too exhausted to stay awake, but he knew that Crowley slept regularly and that it always calmed him down.

The hint of fear in Crowley’s eyes had made it impossible for Aziraphale to leave him alone so he had been sitting patiently at the side of the bed and had waited until the Demon had been fallen asleep watching carefully over him.

Tenderly he had run his fingers through the Demons hair in a comforting way when he had been sure that he was asleep. He wouldn’t dare something like this when he was awake also he was sure that Crowley wouldn’t appreciate this kind of physical contact.

“Don’t worry my love” he had whispered nearly inaudibly “I’ll keep you safe.”

He had smiled to himself remembering back to the moment when he had first catch himself thinking about Crowley as my love instead of my dear. It had happened slowly and in the beginning, it had frightened him but after the apocalypse had not happen, Heaven trying to execute him but without letting him fall he had come to peace with his feelings.

Crowley was a good person and he had a kind soul. And someday Aziraphale would tell him that and more important make him believe.

He had placed a light kiss in the flaming red hair before he had left the room.

 

Aziraphale had been relieved as Crowley didn’t made any attempts to leave. He still hadn’t told him what bothered him and at least in this bookshop he could have an eye on him. He had known better than to try to push the Demon to talk just had assured him again and again that he was there if he needed him.

After a little bit over a week Crowley had started to relax, speak more and Aziraphale made him eat again.

 

Aziraphale was striding up and down in his bookshop. It had been two weeks since Crowley had left the bookshop and he hadn’t heard from him since. The first days Aziraphale expected that he needed some space, Crowley was not used to live together with another person and overall, he was still an Angel and Crowley was Demon. Even though they were friends he wouldn’t blame him for needing some space to breathe. He had enjoyed the time they had spent together but he couldn’t expect that Crowley felt the same about it.

Four days after Crowley had left he had called him and left him a message on his mailbox but Crowley hadn’t called back.

Another three days later the mailbox had stated to Aziraphale that it couldn’t hold any more messages.

The next day’s Aziraphale had been in a constant state between angry, worried and annoyed. Too many thoughts had been running through his troubled mind. Had he done something wrong? Did Crowley not want their friendship anymore? Did something happen to him?

Now after two weeks he was arguing with himself if he should spend his friend an unannounced visit or if he should just try to call him again.

*He appears at my door without invitation most of the time* he finally thought and left the bookshop.

 

Only a few seconds later, he thanked God for the miracles he could perform, he was standing in front of Crowley's flat. He rang the bell three times but the door was still remained.

Just a moment later he entered the flat. It was completely dark and hot as, he refused to think hell, but after a few seconds he was already soaked in sweat. “Crowley?” he called.

Moving further into the flat he heard the shower running. With a snap of his fingers he turned on the lights and walked quickly towards the bathroom, getting rid of his coat and vest on the way.

“Crowley are you there?” he knocked at the not door which was left slightly open.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale called in shock as he found the Demon sitting curled into a ball under the shower. His skin flaming red from the hot water that filled the room with steam but his body violently shivering.

Aziraphale turned off the shower, grabbed a towel and carefully placed it around Crowley's shoulders.

“What is it?” he asked.

“It is so cold.” Crowley whispered.

“How can you be cold? We have at least 40°C in here and you nearly burned you skin of with boiling hot water.”

“j-j-just is” Crowley couldn’t stop another violent shiver running through his whole body.

“Come on my dear. We first have to get you dry and then we will get you warm.” he took him in his arms, sat him on the bed and started to dry him carefully.

 

“Crowley?” he said suddenly in a sharp tone “What is this?” as he was drying off his left arm.

“Don’t know”

“Don’t lie to me Crowley. What is that?” his fingers brushing over the deep black lines that were spread all over his arm to his shoulder.

“I got attacked.” Crowley mumbled.

“Attacked? When? By whom?”

“About four weeks ago. Doesn’t matter by whom.”

“And what is that? Why haven’t you healed it?”

Crowley thought about lying again. He could just pretend, couldn’t he? But in the end the Angel was the only one he really trusted.

“Because I can’t.”

“Why haven’t you told me sooner? I could have helped you.”

“No, you couldn’t!”

“What makes you so sure about that, that you wouldn’t even let me try?”

“Because I’m dying Angel”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like how the story goes on, I will give my best to continue as soon as possible.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings, lots of feelings

Aziraphale was crying. He had never cried in his 6000 years on earth. He had shed a tear or two at the one or the other occasion but he had never really cried. Laying in Crowley's bed, a sleeping Demon pressed against him, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling into the flaming red hair of his friend.

After Crowley had told him everything he remembered from that night four weeks ago he had tried to remove the holy water from Crowley’s system but it was just not enough to be located. With the holy water still in his blood it had also been impossible to heal the damage it already had done. All he could do was to stabilize his body temperature so he wouldn’t be feeling like freezing to death anymore. Crowley had still felt cold when he had laid down, so Aziraphale decided to stay with him and keep him warm.

 

Crowley awoke because of a loud shattering sound coming from the living room.

Aziraphales had removed the headache and the nausea at least for some time and he only felt a little bit chilled. He hadn’t felt that good in weeks and he was grateful for the Aziraphales help, even though he know that this wasn’t permanent and only bought him a little time without distress.  

He wrapped a blanked around his body and startled by another sound of breaking glass he followed the noises into his living room.

“Please” he heard the Angel plea from the other site of the door the alcohol in his voice clearly audible. “Don’t let him be destroyed. He has a good soul. Don’t take him away from me now.” The quiet sob that followed these words nearly broke Crowleys heart. That was the reason why he hadn’t said anything to Aziraphale in the first place. When his life would end in a few months he wanted to have smiling Angel by his site. He couldn’t stand to see his Angel in such despair.

Leaning his head against the door frame he tried to stop his own tears from falling.

Aziraphale had always been his anchor, a guiding light and sometimes even his guardian Angel.

 

There hadn’t been an exact moment when he had fallen in love but he still remembered the moment when realization had hit him that he was in love with a certain Angel. It had been a few hundred years ago when he had been sitting in a small tavern. He had already been quite drunk and lost deep in his own thoughts as two guys had taken places right next to him and had started talking about boring stuff. But at some point, Crowley had thought *yeah, I know that feeling* and *when you put it that way it is exactly like that* and when one of the guys had started laughing and had said “My friend you’re in love!” Crowley had thought *no, that wasn’t what love felt like, wasn’t it?”

The next day his had hadn’t stopped trying to remember what being in love felt like and around midday he had already been annoyed by it. A tavern open twenty-four hours had been something that he had called good fortune, so he had started drinking a few hours earlier than he intended to. Later that day, it had been dark outside meanwhile, a familiar voice had called his name. The moment he had looked around and had seen the smiling eyes of his Angel he had known. He hadn’t needed much time to accept that. For a Demon there was nothing worse than falling in love with an Angel but for him it was just right. He hadn’t meant to fall anyhow.

 

“Why do you want to take him from me?” the Angel screamed snapping Crowley out of his thoughts as a glass crashed against the wall next to the door.

“Angel!” Crowley called, pushed the door open and hurried to Aziraphale who was sitting on the floor surrounded by several broken wine bottles and glasses.

He pulled Aziraphale in tight embrace “It’s ok.” He tried to calm him “it’s ok.”

“No nothing is ok.” Aziraphale answered furious tears running down his face.

“You’re too drunk Angel. Come, you need some sleep. I’ll clean this up.”

“NO! Leave it like it is”

“Ok, ok” he pulled Aziraphale up, guided him to the bedroom and covered him with another blanket.

“Stay” Aziraphale whispered.

“Always” Crowley climbed on the other side of the bed and slipped under the covers.

“You can’t promise that anymore.” The words came out before Aziraphale could stop them.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you? You didn't want to tell me. If I hadn’t found out today, would you have told me someday?”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You didn’t want to bother me? So, you wanted to die in silence and leave me wondering what happened to you?” Aziraphale couldn’t keep his voice down.

“No, I would have told you at some point, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I didn’t want you to be worried for the next months. You always care too much.”

“Of course, I care too much.” Aziraphale sat up “Of course, I carte too much because I love you, you stupid serpent.” He yelled at Crowley.

*Fuck* he thought *that’s why he usually avoided this kind of discussions when drunk.

“I’m sorry Crowley I didn’t mean to”

“I love you too, that’s why” Crowley interrupted him.

“Crowley, I”

“Just shut up.” Crowley pulled him into a tight embrace as another sob escaped Aziraphales mouth and held him close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That chapter went a little bit more emotional than I planned but I hope you liked it.  
> I will try to finish another one on sunday so you have something to read during the week.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small fluffy break from all the angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my chapters a short, but that way I can manage to get new chapters out on a regular basis next to running a life ;-) Here comes some fluff for you, I hope you like it ;-)

Aziraphale awoke the next morning still held by Crowley. A light headache a slight feeling of disorientation remembered him that he had forgotten to sober up before he had fallen asleep. When the memories of the previous night came back to his consciousness he silently groaned. He had never before lost his temper like that. Even while being drunk he usually had himself enough under control to prevent scenes like that.  

“I’m sorry”, he whispered knowing that Crowley wasn’t asleep.

“What for?”

“Yelling at you. Being angry with you. I shouldn’t have…”

“You were right being angry with me. I should have told you from the beginning.”

“I don’t have the right to judge your decision. It’s yours and I shouldn’t … It shouldn’t… My feelings shouldn’t influence …”

“Hey, look at me angel” he moved them so that they were laying facing each other.

“I was wrong, I should have told you. I mean I knew we are friends but I didn’t want you to put your life on hold just because of me.”

“Now you listen to me Crowley” Aziraphale sat up and took Crowleys hands in his. “I love you. It took me a while to realize it and an even longer time to accept that but no matter what I will right here by your site, if you want it or not and I will do everything that I can to safe you. That I was not able to heal you, doesn’t mean that nobody is and I will never forgive myself if I wouldn’t try.”

Crowley couldn’t do much more than nod as he was totally lost for words.

“Please” Aziraphale started again “promise that from now on you will tell me everything. I want to help you.”

Aziraphale gave him a soft smile as Crowley gave him another nod and slowly leaned over to press a soft kiss on the Demons lips.

“We should get up, we already lost a month and I don’t want to waste any more time.” Aziraphale stated as he tried to get up but Crowleys hands which were laying on his shoulders were keeping him in place. “Actually” Crowley said and pulled the Angel into another kiss “I would love to stay here for a little while. As long as I still feel like myself I want to enjoy some time with you without thinking about the end of it.” He said closing the distance again.

 

Though he usually preferred to buy clothes instead of miracle them into existence Aziraphale saw no other possibility as his old set was wrinkled all over after he had spent the night in them and tossing them on the floor mindlessly hadn’t helped their state either. In that moment he would have given everything to know that Crowley was safe. Taking a deep breath, he turned away before the tears he felt dwelling in his eyes started falling again and left the bedroom.

 

The first thing Crowley realized when he woke up was the empty bed he was laying in. Aziraphales warmth was missing from it and he felt quite cold. The second thing he realized was that this was not his bed he was laying in anymore. He opened his eyes and found himself in Aziraphales bedroom. His clothes were neatly folded at a chair standing next to what seemed to be one of his plants. Curiously he dressed up and went to find Aziraphale. On his way to the Angels study he found even more if his plants that were standing on different places in the bookshop as well as some other objects from his flat. The most astonishing change he found was his big television hanging in the study on the opposite of his favorite sofa.

Still unsure about how this relationship was going to proceed he approached the Angel who was sitting at his desk deep down in a big old book and run a hand through his hair to get his attention.

“Hey” Aziraphale greeted him with a bright smile on his face.

“Did you bring everything here?”

“Yes, do you like it? I thought it would be easier if we would stay here, I have all my books here I need for the research, and I thought you would like some of your stuff around.”

“Thank you, angel.” He kissed him “I appreciate it a lot.”

“How do you feel?”

“A little bit cold, but whatever you did is still doing its job I guess.”

“You’d like to go for a walk? I could need some fresh air to be honest.”

“Love to” Crowley smiled and took Aziraphales hand as they left the flat side by side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I considered actually writing the bed scene but I decided against it, as I have never written one before. Maybe I will include one in later chapters when I feel a little bit braver about it.
> 
> I keep working on the next chapters to give you another update soon, with more drama again (and of course some fluff), I promise ;-)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more angst with some more fluff. You're welcome ;-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happens when you wanted to go to bed but instead write another chapter.  
> I hope you like it ;-)

He hadn’t felt more at home in his 6000 years on earth than during the three weeks he was living in Aziraphales bookshop.

The first week he nearly hadn’t felt any of the symptoms the holy water was causing and he had enjoyed the time with Aziraphale. They had agreed on splitting the day into research time, as the Angel had called it, and time they had spent together enjoying each other’s company without thinking about the ending that was to come.

These good times hadn’t had lasted as long as Crowley had wished they would have. The headache had returned first, though being bearable it was still annoying not to be able to concentrate for too long. The nausea had come a few days later reminding him that lunch and dinner dates as well as drinking together was off the agenda again. To his relief the freezing cold hadn’t come back but instead his skin had started itching as if he was terrorized by thousand mosquitos.

“Don’t scratch it” had Aziraphale said again and again “that will make it worse.”

Crowley would never admit to him that he had been right but sometimes he hadn’t been able to stand the feeling anymore and nearly every morning he had awoken with bloody lines on his arms where he had maltreated his skin in his sleep.

He had thanked god, something he also would never admit to Aziraphale, as the itching had stopped but some scars where still visible on his skin.

 

During the last week Aziraphale had been away for several hours every day, never telling him where he was going exactly. Crowley hadn’t asked any further, the Angel mentioned doing some research work, and Crowley felt that it made the Angel feel better when he had the feeling that he was actually doing something. Crowley didn’t dare to raise any hope in himself that was for sure going to be disappointed and had let the Angel leave without complaining.

 

As Crowley had assured him that he was feeling ok in the morning Aziraphale had kissed him good bye and promised he would be back latest in the afternoon.

He hadn’t been back in the afternoon; the tea Crowley had made for them was still standing on the counter untouched.

The coughing had started somewhere around lunchtime. It was annoying but Crowley had been through worse the last days and therefore hadn’t worried much.

Another thing he also hadn’t admitted to Aziraphale yet was that he had started to enjoy reading books. He did it usually when Aziraphale was out and as he wasn’t home yet Crowley was sitting on his favorite sofa reading a quite modern book that a customer had left here while there was a game show running on the television in the background.

A surge of drops of blood suddenly sprinkled the page Crowley was reading as one heavy coughing was followed by another one and another one.

The coughing had become worse over the last hours but now Crowley felt his lungs filling with blood.

His body tried to get rid of it but he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. Usually Angels and Demons were free to decide if they wanted to breathe or if they would keep their bodies running by miraculous force but as performing miracles had been getting harder and harder for him with every week he needed to breath.

The book fell to the ground as Crowley was desperately trying to get air into his lungs feeling how his lungs tried to spasmed to get some of the blood out and air in.

*No* he thought. *No, please, it’s only been two month. I’m not supposed to die already*

His head started spinning, he couldn’t die just yet, he had promised Aziraphale that he was ok, what would the Angel do if he found him dead on his return. He was supposed to have four more months with him. He needed to breath. Panic was raising inside of him, increasing with every time his lungs tried to get some air inside them without any success. He wanted to scream, to call for Aziraphale but no sound escaped his lips.

Crowley didn’t know how he ended up on the floor, his hands searching for something to hold on to. He could feel the tears forming in his eyes as part of his body’s reaction to the suffocating and because he didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to leave Aziraphale already.

The world was fading around him as he slowly lost consciousness still regretting that he didn’t had the opportunity to say good bye to his angel.

 

“Breathe, darling. I need you to breathe.”

Crowley awoke heavily coughing, a hand running soothingly through his hair while he heard a familiar voice murmuring calming phrases.

Slowly he calmed down, still gasping for air.

“You scared me.” Aziraphale helped him up in a sitting position. “Yes, that’s better, deep breath.” Aziraphale sat down by his site one hand on his shoulder the other holding his hand.

“When I found you, you were lying on the floor not responding and not breathing at all. I thought I lost you.” Crowley saw the tears forming in the Angels eyes and leaned his head against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry…”

“No, I’m sorry, I wanted to be home hours ago.’

“It’s okay. You still made it in time.”

“But what if I wouldn’t have? I would have never forgiven myself if…”

Crowley kissed him “You made it. We will figure something out to prevent a next time.” Aziraphale smiled and nodded and then his kissed him again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BAMF!Aziraphale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a little bit inspired by the scene from "The Hobbit" where Galadriel comes to rescue Gandalf... So enjoy!

Aziraphale hated to leave Crowley alone in the bookshop. After the incident two weeks ago, he had bought his first mobile phone and had installed an emergency button on Crowleys. The Demon had to promise him to call him immediately when his condition should change in any way. Still he hated to leave him. Especially today when he didn’t know if he would made it back home.

He was relieved that Crowley had never asked where he was going. He hadn’t technically lied when he had told him he told him he was doing research but he was not doing the kind of research that Crowley thought he did.

It was hard to recognize Aziraphale without his signature coat, just wearing a dark pair of trousers and a dark shirt. He didn’t think this color suited him, being too much of a contrast to his hair but for what he had planned for this night it was just the right thing to wear.

The theatre was not well attended this day, only a few visitors sitting in their seats watching some kind of funny play Aziraphale hadn’t heard off.

With a snap of his fingers the room went silent all humans frozen in the very movement they were just doing.

“What are you thinking you’re doing?” sounded a deep voice from one of the front rows a dark form raising from his seat.

“I don’t think that you are in the position to ask any questions, Demon!” he said in a tight voice he didn’t use often.

“Oh, look what we have here” said the Demon who had turned to face Aziraphale and started walking through the rows “a little Angel.”

Aziraphale smirked, people, humans, Demons or Angels, tended to underestimate him. To be fair he wasn’t somebody to walk around and show off his powers. He preferred to show people how to help themselves and when needed to perform small miracles to send them onto the right path.

“Oh” the Demon said as he come closer “and not any little Angel but Mr. Crowleys dearest friend. What a wonderful coincidence.”

The sword lay heavy in Aziraphales hand. Though he already had it back for a few thousand years, he hasn’t mentioned it to anyone, he had it kept well-hidden and before today had never felt the need to use it.

“I wouldn’t call this a coincidence” stated the Angel with a cold voice that would have chilled everybody’s blood. Even the Demon stopped his approach and watched the Angel carefully.

“I’ve been looking for you for a while now. You’re killing my best friend and I will not let you continue with it.”

The Demon laughed “oh yeah I’m enjoying this” a surprised yell escaped the Demons mouth as he was thrown against the next wall by a wave of the Angels hand.

“I told you” said Aziraphale his voice echoed through the hall “I will not let you continue!”

With another wave of his hand the Demon found himself unable to move and pressed against the wall hovering two meters over the ground.

“Now you tell me” Aziraphale held up the sword which started flaming wildly “how can I stop it?”

The demon let out a grumbled laugh “There is no way to stop it, and if there were I wouldn’t tell you.”

“We will see.” Mumbled the Angel closing his fingers a little bit tighter around the sword.

“You think you can defeat me Angel?” the Demon smirked. With a low growl he removed the energetic restrains Aziraphale put on him and leaped forward.

The Angel stopped him with merely a cold stare freezing his movement completely heaving him back in the air. “I don’t think” with another wave of his hand the Demon crashed again into the wall before he fell to the ground revealing the big hole that his impact had caused. “I know.”

 

As Aziraphale entered his bookshop he felt drained. He leaned against the nearest wall and let himself slowly slide down until he was sitting on the ground. He buried his in his hands and let out a deep sigh. It had been a long time that he felt that tired. This was one of the rare occasions where he really longed to sleep.

“Where have you been?” he nearly jumped as he heard Crowleys voice next to him.

“I needed to do something.” He answered wearily.

“Something? You got out of the house in the middle of the night without saying good bye and without telling me where you were going, wearing this” he pointed at him “and look at you. You look terrible. Is that, is that blood?” he run his fingers over some wet spots on Aziraphales shirt.

“I killed him” Aziraphale sighed, the fight with the Demon had drowned him of nearly all his energy.

“You killed whom?”

“The Demon who did this to you.” Crowley was staring at his Angel with his mouth still open.

“What? How? I mean…”

Aziraphale smiled tiredly “just because I usually use these kinds of powers doesn’t mean I don’t possess them.”

“How did you know who it was I never told you.” He sat down next to the Angel.

“You told me enough to figure it out. But I have to admit, I needed a few weeks.” Aziraphale smirked.

“I had hoped he would tell me how I could safe you. At first, I thought he didn’t wanted to tell me. At the end I was sure that he really didn’t knew. But I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t let him live. Not after what he had done to you.”

Crowley smiled and kissed him softly.

“Do you want to tell me what you did to him to convince yourself that he didn’t knew anything?”

“Oh, you know, just the usual stuff, a few threats, some missing limbs, a little bit of smiting and some well-placed prayers. Oh” he said and showed Crowley the sword “and I found it time to remove the dust from this.”

Crowley smiled at him “You are a wicked Angel. And I think we should remove this” he pointed at the stained clothes “from you and get you under the shower.” He winked at him, took the sword out of his hand and pulled Aziraphale to his feet.

He pressed him gently against the wall and kissed him and moved on to cover every inch of skin that was revealed while he removed the Angels shirt.

Aziraphale moaned under the soft touches “will you accompany me under the shower?”

“There is nothing in heaven or hell that could stop me from it.” Crowley answered while he was busy removing Aziraphales trousers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you want to read in the next chapter?  
> 1\. Some lovemaking?  
> 2\. Some more angst and pain?  
> 3\. More BAMF!AZiraphale?  
> Let me know what you would prefer, I'm a little bit unsure with which part I should continue ;-)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for posting that late. The week was very busy and I got a little bit carried away by another TV show.  
> But I worked through the last two nights to give you this chapter. Might be that it contains a few more mistakes, I was tired :-D  
> It is a little longer than the other onces so I hope that makes it up for the wait.  
> I also need to go through all of your nice comments, I didn't had the time to answer them all yet, but I will do this week.
> 
> Most of you wished for more angst. So here you go.

“Crowley, love” Aziraphale called on a rainy day in the beginning of July “is the tea ready?”

“Tea?” a baffled Crowley answered.

“You said you would make us some tea, already half an hour ago.”

“I … It seems that I forgot” Crowley said slightly worried.

In 6000 years on earth he hadn’t forgotten anything at least not without purpose. Sometimes it was easier to ignore some things or to pretend that he forgot.

Aziraphale watched him concerned as he walked to the kitchen.

 

The rain hadn’t stopped during the last days and was clattering softly against the windows of the bookshop. The dim light of the lamp standing on the nightstand was just enough for Aziraphale to read his book while Crowley was mindlessly scrolling through a magazine.

“What time is it angel?”

“Don’t know, but I guess something close to midnight. Why are you asking?”

“Midnight?” Crowley rose from the bed “I should leave then, been here all day already.”

“Leave?” Aziraphale put the book away “Where do you want to leave to?”

“Home? Where else should I go in the middle of the night?”

The Angel rose from the bed and grabbed Crowleys hands “Darling, you are home.”

Crowley smiled and kissed him softly “Yes angel, you are my home but I still have a flat to maintain.”

“No, you haven’t” Aziraphale was alarmed. “You moved in here three months ago.”

“Are … are you sure?” Crowley stuttered “I – I can’t remember.”

“You don’t remember? How can you not remember? What else did you forget?”

“How should I know?” Aziraphale could hear the fear in Crowleys voice and took him into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry, I just … please remember that I love you.” He smiled weakly “for everything else we will find solution”.

“Always.”

 

Aziraphale was nervous. He hasn’t been in this place for a few thousand years. The small house that once had stood here and where he used to live for nearly a two hundred years had been long gone. He hoped that the miracle he had performed to safe and hide the cellar had lasted over all that time.

“Ah there it is” he mumbled to himself moving his hand over a flat stone plate revealing a wooden hatch.

*Everything is exactly as I left it* he smiled to himself as he walked down the stairs and inspected the small room.

He removed a wool curtain from the wall and revealed a shimmering portal. Relieved that is was still there he started to pray to prepare himself for the transportation.

Over the last week Crowleys memory had been rapidly failing him. First, he had only forgotten small things, like the tea he had intended to make, but starting from the day when he had forgotten where he lived it had been a nightmare.

It wasn’t the fact the Crowley had forgot Aziraphales name and was only referring to him as angel, nor that he had to remember his demon every night that his home was in the bookshop. Of course, it was hard to him to explain him again and again why he was forgetting things but the hardest to deal with was the constant fear Crowley was in. He feared to go to sleep, not knowing what part of his memories would be gone on the next day. He feared to leave Aziraphales side to not forget who he was. It was his fear about doing things wrong, his fear about having false memories.

Aziraphale had done everything he could to comfort the crying demon, to help him to regain some of his memories and to keep as much of the once he still had as possible.

As none of what he tried had any effect on Crowley he had taken a decision. He had hoped that it would at least be a few more years or even hundreds of years but Crowley needed him.

So, he kneeled on the small carpet and prayed.

He waited for another few hours, though heaven was “open” 24h a day, there were two timeslots where he was sure he wouldn’t be disturbed.

He materialized hidden corner in the big archive of heaven; stepping through the portal always tickled a little.

This archive had been his favorite spot before the book was invented. He had loved reading from the beginning of time and had created that little back door right into his favorite section to be able to sneak in whenever he wanted.

Aziraphale hurried through the isles eager to find the information he needed.

There was this thing with miracles, the easy and simple ones where exactly that, easy and simple. Each Angel knew how to perform them instinctively. Other miracles needed some practice and knowledge about how the process would be done in a natural way. For example, if an Angel wanted to heal a broken bone he needed to know how an unharmed bone looks like. If an Angel wanted to help a plant grow he needed to know how a grown plant look like from the out- and from the inside. But there were some miracles that needed more study about different areas. The Angels who once created them had written down the instructions and stored them in this archive. In the beginning the archive was free to visit for every Angel to enable them to perform all miracles they needed to. But with more and more powerful miracles stored they introduced request forms to make sure only authorized Angels could enter. Aziraphale was just glad that back in the early days he had installed his little back door, after the no apocalypse none of the Archangels would have granted him access.

 

“Aziraphale!” a voice behind him approached him “Long time no see.”

Aziraphale turned around slowly. “I heard you were causing some trouble lately”

“Serastiel” Aziraphale smiled relieved “yeah I know. But I’m only partly sorry about that.”

“To be honest, I’m glad you did what you did. I never wanted to fight in a war. I mean life is good as it is, isn’t it?”

“I don’t think the Archangels are thinking the same way.”

“No, they aren’t. But as far as I know, they decided to ignore you. Since god had decided not to let you fall, they have to live with you in some way. But I guess they wouldn’t be so happy seeing you up here. What leads me to my question how did you get in here? You didn’t come through the entrance, I would have seen you.”

“So, you’re still sitting at the front desk?”

“There and checking if everything in here is in order” the brown-haired Angel smiled. “I missed you. Had been quite lonely here since you decided to read books instead.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to visit more often.”

“Quite busy down on earth, weren’t you?”

“Yeah …”

“What are you looking for?”

“I need a miracle. My friend is forgetting me.”

“I might imagine who you’re talking about. I don’t think it is wise to study a miracle for a demon. But I know you and if you call this demon a friend I’m sure he’s worth it. Let me help you find what you need.”

“Thank you” Aziraphale smiled. “It is good to know that I have still a friend in heaven.”

 

Aziraphale hurried home. He hoped that Crowley was still there. He had put big notes everywhere he could, telling Crowley to stay inside the bookshop until he returned. Crowleys state was not good as he had left as he had forgot the bookshop. Aziraphale had found the demon walking totally lost through the rooms. “Aziraphale where are we?” he had asked.

Troubled he opened the door. “Crowley?” he called. “Are you there?”

“Yeah I’m here” Crowleys voice answered with an uncertainty that made it nearly unrecognizable. “Although I don’t know where here is. But these notes told me to stay here and as I have nowhere else to be I waited for this …” he glanced at one of the papers “Aziraphale to return. And who are you?”

Aziraphales heart skipped a beat. “It is me, Aziraphale.”

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

“I’m your…” Aziraphale wasn’t sure what to answer to a Crowley who didn’t remembered him “…friend.” He finally said.

“I’m sorry I really don’t think that I know you. You must mistake me for someone. Anyway, now that you’re back, I think I should leave.”

“The weather is terrible” Aziraphale gave him a sad smile “let me make you a cup of tea and wait until it stops raining.”

Crowley nodded “To be honest I don’t know where I should go. So, thank you for letting me stay a little longer.”

Aziraphale made the tea and they sat together on the couch.

“Don’t you want to tell me a little bit about you?” he asked Crowley hoping that he might find a memory that was connected to him.

“I …” Crowley stopped. “I don’t know. There is not much to tell about me.”

“There must be something.” Aziraphale smiled encouraging.

“It is strange. It is as if I don’t remember. Like I forgot my life.” Aziraphale could sense the panic that was coming back to Crowley.

“What do you remember?” he asked quickly to distract the demon.

“I helped build a highway once.”

“That sounds interesting. Is there anything else you remember?”

“I’m loved” Crowley smiled “by an Angel.”

Tears shot into Aziraphales eyes. Though Crowley had forgotten him, he had kept his promise.”

“I’m sure you are. Would you trust me if I tell you I could help you to remember a little bit more about you?”

Crowley looked at him for a few minutes “Yes” he finally said “yes, I think I do.”

Aziraphale took Crowley hand in his own. Concentrating on all the memories he had shared with the demon he send the images to Crowley.

 

Crowley was confused. Every time he tried to remember something about his life he couldn’t get any memory into his mind. But with the man holding his hands a flood of images run into is mind playing like a film. A film in which he himself was the protagonist. He could see his picture in every single frame and he felt the love that came with the memories of the blond-haired man.

Triggered by images his own memories started to return, showing him the story of his life from his own perspective.

Crowley heard the gasping breath from Aziraphale and opened his eyes. The Angel was sweating and panting, eyes shut und his face distorted in concentration. “Aziraphale” he tried to stop Aziraphales doing seeing that the Angel started shaking. “Aziraphale” he said louder trying to remove his hands from his grip. “Angel” he cried out as the usual steady glow of the Angel started to flicker. The nickname pulled Aziraphale out of his concentration and the flood of images stopped. Drained of his energy he slumped to the floor as he lost consciousness.

Crowley moved to him and pulled his head in to his lap. “Angel, are you alright? Please wake up.”

Carefully he lifted the Angel into his arms and carried him to the bed. He removed the damp clothes and covered him under a warm blanked.

“Please wake up Angel.” He whispered cleaning the Angels face with a wet towel.

Crowley was scared. He had never witnessed a miracle that drowned so much energy to leave its deliverer unconsciousness. Checking the Angels pulse he hoped that he would wake up soon and that he would be alright.

 

Aziraphale woke up with a heavy weight on his chest. It took all his strength to open his eyes feeling completely burned out.  

The familiar red hair coming to his blurred vision and he slowly place a hand in it before drifting off to sleep again.

“Angel” he woke again to the soft voice of Crowley “Wake up. You need to eat.”

“How long” he croaked with a dry throat and still closed eyes.

“Two days.”

Aziraphale groaned “That’s too long.” He tried to sit up but sank down again as a wave of dizziness overcame him.

“Slowly love. You used a lot of your strength.”

Aziraphale gave Crowley a weak smile “I had to. You were forgetting me. Though you interrupted me before I could give you all memories back.”

Crowley helped him to sit up slowly and handed him a cup of tea.

“I remember enough. You passed out on me. I couldn’t have you risk your live because of my memories.”

“I haven’t find a way to save you.” Aziraphale said defeated leaning his head at the bedframe. “I failed again.”

“No.” Crowley intervened “you haven’t failed. You gave me my memories back. You have not failed.”

“I just wish I could do more. I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”

“I know.” Crowley kissed him. “We still have time.”

 

They stayed in bed for the rest of the day. In the evening Aziraphale felt a lot better.

Crowleys head was resting on his shoulders while his fingers were drawing patterns on his still naked chest. Slowly he placed little kisses to the Angels neck, nibbling at the soft skin and leaving wet trails where his tongue painted patterns of his own. Small sighs escaped Aziraphales lips transforming into little moans as Crowleys hand moved from his chest down to his tight.

His fingertips brushed softly over the Angels half hard cock while his mouth captured Aziraphales in a deep kiss.

“Can I ask something of you?” Crowley whispered and let his fingers curl around Aziraphales cock stroking it slowly.

“You know I can’t say no to anything as long as you’re doing this” he moaned.

Crowley smiled slightly, increasing the speed of his hand lightly and nibbling at this sensitive spot on Aziraphales neck, making the Angel gasp.

“I want you to make love to me. I just can’t remember the feeling of you inside me.” He whispered into his ear. “I want to feel it again.”

Aziraphale grabbed Crowleys hips and carefully turned them over.

“I could never deny you that” he smiled and leaned down to kiss him.

Aziraphale took his time worshipping every inch of skin of Crowleys body before finally sinking into him. He wanted this experience to last to create new memories for the both of them.

Crowley came with smile on his face and tears in his eyes.

“Thank you. For everything.”

Aziraphale smiled lovingly running his hand through Crowleys hair.

“Just remember that I love you.”

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked it.  
> There will be more BAMF!Aziraphale in chapter 11 I promise.  
> I'll go to bed now, tomorrow is monday again ...


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I migh have said something in the comments about posting tomorrow, but I just had to finish this short one today.

The July was coming to an end, the weather was beautiful with the sun shining all day and still not too hot to spend the day outside. In all other years Aziraphale would have spent the days outside in the park, enjoying a new book while having a picnic and on a perfect day Crowley would join him in the late afternoon, sit with him for an hour or two, gossiping about people walking by and inviting him to dinner when the sun starts to settle down. On a perfect day they would walk home slightly drunk, laughing all the way and back in the bookshop they would drink even more wine until they would not be able to think a single straight thought and on a really perfect day they would go to bed together and wake up to a terrible headache in the next morning laying in each other arms.

Today wasn’t a perfect day.

It was still early in the morning and Crowley was still asleep in Aziraphales arms. The Angel was already awake, running his fingers slowly through the Demons hair, tears running down his face.

Crowley was getting weaker every day and all Aziraphale could do was watch him suffer. He had tried everything he could to find a cure for Crowleys condition, had contacted ever person he knew who might help, read every book that came to his mind and still he was unable to do anything.

The miracles he would do to help Crowley weren’t lasting as long anymore as they used to, some wouldn’t even help anymore at all.

Crowley started moving in his arms and the Angel quickly wiped the tears from his face, put on the best smile he could master and whispered “Good morning my love”.

The Demon opened his eyes slowly “Good morning, what time is it?”

“Don’t know, still early, sun just raised.”

“It can’t be angel, it’s still dark in here.” He closed his eyes again and snuggled against Aziraphales chest.

“Crowley, love, look at me please” Aziraphale voice shook with terror.

“What is it angel?” Crowley looked up.

The tears that had just dried on his face started to fall freely again and it took all of Aziraphales willpower to not sob loudly.

“Crowley… Oh no my dear.” He whispered heartbroken. “It is not dark in here.” He pulled him closer to his chest, holding him close as close as he could “It is your eyes.” He wept openly “you’re blind.”

He looked into Crowleys eyes which used to be full of life and love, which used to be this magnificent yellow color and which were now clouded, grey and dead.

How he had loved the unusual eyes of the demon. Though he had them mostly covered behind his sunglasses Aziraphale could read every emotion in them like a book, even the once the demon had tried to hide.

“I’m so sorry love.” He cried “I’m so sorry.”

 

Aziraphale was walking through the bookshop without any purpose. He didn’t know what to do anymore. A cup of cold tea in his hands he sank down on the floor.

Crowley hadn’t left the bedroom for four days and hadn’t spoken a word to the Angel during that time. Aziraphale had never felt that helpless in his whole existence. He threw the cup against the next wall, letting out a helpless scream.

He had tried to occupy his mind with reading during the last days but none of his books seemed to hold any joy for him anymore.

If it would safe Crowley he would burn the whole bookshop down again himself, he would sell every single book he possessed, he would walk back to hell and if he would have to he would stay there for the rest of his existence.

He sobbed dryly, sitting crumbled on the ground, he couldn’t even cry anymore the tears wouldn’t come anymore.

Aziraphale jumped as he felt the hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t noticed someone approaching him.

“Crowley” he whispered as he looked up.

The demon didn’t answer just sat down next to him and leaned his head against his shoulder.

Time went by unnoticed while the two of them where holding onto one another.

“Please don’t cry angel.” Crowley finally said.

“I can try.” Aziraphale said exhausted. “But I might fail. I love you too much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know it was a short one, the next one will be longer again, I promise ;-)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one, here comes another one *sing*

He couldn’t tell anymore if it was still July, already August or even September. He had lost the track of time since he couldn’t separate day from night anymore. Everything was dark all the time. A few months ago, he would have told everybody who asked how he loved the darkness. How he always had preferred the nights over the days, how he liked the moon more than the sun and that he liked black more than white. The only exception was Aziraphales hair. He could never imagine it to be any other color than white. Now he hated black. Everything was just black and he couldn’t stand it anymore. He wanted to see the sun again, wanted actually to see Aziraphales hair, not only touching it, wanted to see the Angels wonderful eyes.

Day to day it got harder for him to gather the strength to get out of bed. He had tried to hide his condition from Aziraphale as much as he could but he knew that the Angel wasn’t blind. Not like him.

A blind demon. Losing the eyes usually doesn’t leave an occult or ethereal creature blind as the body was just the vessel. But the holy water had bound his Being, his soul to this body and was destroying the vessel as well as his incorporable self. He coughed. The lungs had gone worse again. Breathing was hurting and it always felt like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs.

He could hide that quite well from the Angel but the sudden headache attacks that left him screaming and vomiting couldn’t be hidden.

Aziraphales had left the bookshop a while ago. He couldn’t tell if it was an hour or a day ago.

His head was hurting worse with every thought he tried to think.

He should get up. Pretending when the Angel comes back that he was fine. While his body was already broken beyond repair his heart broke a little bit more with every tear the Angel shed. Slowly he stepped down the stairs. Maybe he could have a seat in his Bentley. Listen to some Queen. Even if he couldn’t drive anymore it would for sure lighten his mood.

He still found it difficult to walk around the house without the help of his eyes but he held onto the walls to find his way.

A sharp pain running through his spine hit him like a lightning bolt. His feet lost their grip and he stumbled down the stairs hitting his head hard against the floor.

 

Aziraphale stood in front of the mirror concentrating on changing his appearance. His hair changed to black, the curls straightened and it grew until it touched his shoulders while his eyes changed to a dark brown.

He stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the sleeping Crowley before he put on a dark coat and left the bookshop.

His mind was running in circles while he was walking along the streets his feet moving him to the right direction without his influence, but his body new the way. He was worried like every time he had to leave Crowley alone. He hadn’t left the bookshop since Crowley had lost his eyes. He needed to help, needed to make sure that he is ok. But he wasn’t. He was worse than ever. And Aziraphale had already tried everything to make him feel better, had done everything to safe him and still Crowleys body broke a little bit more every day.

The sound of his steps was the only noise around him while he hurried down the endless stairway leading into complete darkness. In his memory it hadn’t had so many steps and he swear silently for being out of shape as he started panting.

When he finally reached the bottom, it took him some moments to catch his breath before he started to walk down the long corridor. The last time he had been here it had looked like tunnel through a stone cave, today it looked like a forgotten subway station with flickering lights and broken tiles. *At least* he thought *they haven’t changed the layout.”

He had always been good at remembering details and he always loved to study maps. Though everything down here look different now he knew which turns to take.

He ducked behind a corner as he heard voices approaching him. He changed his appearance enough to not be recognized but he appreciated not to be noticed at all before he could make it to his destination.

As his path became more and more crowded he decided to try to find one of the old unused pathways that once existed.

*Fuck* he thought as the one he had decided on lead him to a deep dench. He couldn’t use miracles here without getting detected immediately, same with using his wings. He cursed again for not staying in shape over all the years. He should have had spent one hour less reading a day and doing some exercise.

He didn’t have a choice he had to get on the other site somehow. Starting to climb slowly to the other site he carefully set his feet and his hands to not fall down the approximately thirty meters that opened underneath him.

Panting heavily, he pushed himself up over the edge and pulled himself back on solid ground. He sighed as he looked at his hands, he had cut himself on some sharp edges and even suffered some small burnings as some of the stones had been quite hot.

Healing his hands had to wait, he hurried on eager to reach his destination, he had already spent enough time down here and had been lucky to not been detected by now.

 

The door wasn’t locked and Aziraphale didn’t bother to knock, storming into the room behind it.

“What do you want?” asked an annoyed voice from the back of the door.

“A favor.” Aziraphale answered.

“A favor?” the man asked with a disbelieving chuckle in his voice. “Why should I do you a favor?”

“Because you still ow me one.”

“I ow you nothing. I don’t even know you.” The man spat at him.

“You once called me the guardian angel” Aziraphale stepped closer “I know you haven’t mend it as a compliment but you would have been destroyed if I hadn’t saved you.”

“I never asked you to save me. I would rather have been destroyed than let myself be rescued by an Angel.”

“And still you are here, I saved you” Aziraphale spoke in his most commanding voice “so you ow me one and I need a favor. I don’t need you to ask any questions, I don’t need you to threaten me and most of all I don’t need to have this discussion with you.”

“You think you can just rush in here and command me?”

Aziraphale rushed forward grapping the man by his neck and pushed him against the nearest wall tightening his grip.

“I didn’t walk into hell to get rejected by you Demon” he spat the last word into the man’s face.

“You will give me what I want or you will wish to be showered in holy water.”

The demon stared into the Angels eyes seeing them change and reconsidered his choice.

“Ok, tell me, what do you want?”

 

Aziraphale walked back into the bookshop his hair and eyes already back to their normal state. He took of the coat and sighed. Even if black wasn’t his favorite color he still liked this one. But with all the holes and burned patches this was beyond repair. He put the briefcase he brought with him onto the next table and took a closer look at his hands. The cuts and burns would leave some nasty scars if he would let them unattended for much longer. Back in the safety of his own home he quickly healed them before he went to the bathroom to get a quick shower.

“Crowley” he shouted as he saw him lying motionless on the floor, a small trace of blood running from his head.

He turned him on his back “Crowley, love please wake up.”

The Demon stirred and open his eyes slowly.

“Come on love, let’s get you off the ground.” He stood up and pulled Crowley to his feet.

The pain run through his back and legs again, let him sink to the ground again, screaming in agony.

“I can’t angel, it hurts too much.”

Aziraphale watched in shock and miracled him directly to the bed.

 

There had been a time when watching a sleeping Crowley had put a smile on his face. Seeing the Demon peacefully dreaming always made him happy and in an indescribable way it calmed him.

Seeing the Demon sleep today filled him with sadness and grieve. Crowley was sleeping more than usual these days and Aziraphale new that the end of his time got close.

Aziraphale placed a kiss on the Demons head. He didn’t have much time left.

“I love you.” He whispered and turned around. He had work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 4 Chapters left, I hope you're as excited as I am, Chapter 12 will be short treat of angst and pain, then the big 3 Part Finale will start ;-)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just in the mood to write some more, even if it is now late again and I have to work tomorrow, but who care ;-) Also this is just a short one.

“Please angel” Crowley whimpered “I can’t stand it anymore.”

Crowley was laying on the bed heavy breathing. Each intake of breath felt like he was inhaling acid and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs.  

“I know love.” Aziraphale said sitting right next to him running a wet towel over Crowleys forehead.

“It is too much” Crowley panted. After the pain in his legs had faded he couldn’t feel them anymore at all, binding him to the bed for the last week. After he went blind he didn’t had any motivation anymore to leave the bed, feeling weak and defeated. When he realized he couldn’t move anymore he got restless, tried again and again, failing again and again until the rest of his body had given up. His heart was racing and his skin felt too hot, sweating and shivering at the same time.

“Please angel.” His body started shaking. He hadn’t slept in days, his mind wouldn’t come to a rest, the ever-present headache keeping him awake, not letting him rest.

He wished he could sleep. Escape the nightmare if only for a few hours but when he the headache just dulled enough to let him drift off the unbearable pain would crawl from his head to his chest, leaving him screaming and tossing in the bed.

“I want to sleep, I just want to sleep, please angel.”

Aziraphale smiled sadly “That is not what you’re asking of me and you know that.”

Crowleys body started seizing and Aziraphale moved further onto the bed and pulled his head into his lap to prevent it from banging into the headboard.

Aziraphale hold him tight through the seizure whispering to the Demon.

“I tried everything” he sobbed silently. “Nothing I do is helping you anymore. My experiments with the substances I got from hell all failed. I hoped to find something that would cancel out the holy water but none did. I don’t know what to do anymore. But I won’t kill you. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I would let you go and then finding a way to safe you. You made me promise love. You made me speak a vow. Because you knew it would make it easier for me. But now look at you. You’re in pain and I can’t help you anymore.”

 

“Angel” Crowley said an hour later, his body had calmed a little bit. “For how long could you make it all stop?”

“I don’t know. Maybe an hour or two. But it would be the last time. If I stop it all now, even for only an hour I couldn’t do anything for you anymore.”

“I know but please Angel. Please make it stop.”

“Shouldn’t we wait maybe it gets even worse?”

“How worse can it get? I can’t see anymore, I can’t walk, I can barely breath, and my head is killing me. Please Angel. I want to look at you one last time. I want to look at you and see you. And I want you to take me on a ride. I want to say goodbye to my car.”

 

When Crowley opened his eyes, he saw the Angel standing in front of him, doing his best to smile for him.

“Come my love, I prepared us a picnic.”

Crowley closed his hands around the steering wheel of his Bentley, Best of Queen playing in the background, knowing that this would be their last ride. This time Aziraphale didn’t mind going too fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 Chapters left ... I'm looking forward to them, hope you do too.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much for all the kind comments, they really help me alot and I appreciate every single one. 
> 
> Here comes a lot of feels, you're welcome.

Aziraphales own bookshop felt strange to him.

Since he had opened it had been his home, his sanctuary. Though he never had much company besides Crowley and now and then a customer, he had never felt lonely, his books had kept him company, comforted him. They had given him advice, something to laugh or cry about, the had given him knowledge but not when he needed it most. Not anymore. Today he felt like a stranger in his own home. The books gathered up around him were cold and lifeless pieces of paper.

He had never felt as lonesome as he felt right now sitting next to a dying Crowley, one hand always touching him to afraid to let him go.

Aziraphale hadn’t left Crowleys side since they had returned from their trip in the Bentley.

Crowley had fallen asleep on their way back and hadn’t awoken since.

Aziraphale knew that he would die soon. His breathing was barely noticeable anymore and his skin was even whiter than usual.

His fingers traced the black lines covering Crowleys body. He hadn’t told the Demon that the black lines that once had covered only his arm had spread over his back and now also covered his whole chest.

“I’m sorry love. I’m sorry for wasting 6000 years I could have spend with you.

I should have told you long ago. I should have used the time we had instead of waiting.

I was afraid.

First because of my own feelings. I knew what love was, but I had only known the general love that every Angel feels but what I feel for you is completely something else.

At first, I tried to avoid you, I mean falling in love with a demon, which sane Angel would do that?

I was afraid of myself. I was afraid about what I might do or say.

But you kept finding me. Again and again.

With my love for you growing a new fear grew too.

The fear of you figuring out. I mean an Angel falling in love with a Demon was already unlikely but a Demon loving an Angel was even more unthinkable.

I was afraid that you would turn around and leave me if you would ever find out. But you would never have, am I right? You loved me all the time and I haven’t noticed.

And I wasted all this time because of my fear.

I haven’t even realized that you had showed me your love all the time.

I had been so blind the entire time. Please forgive me for being so blind and for wasting our time.”

Aziraphale laid next to Crowleys moveless body. He could feel that the end was close.

Crowleys wings had unfolded, he was unable to hide them; his breathing had stilled, and his aura was nearly not recognizable anymore.

“I will never forgive myself that I wasn’t able to save you. I should have tried harder. Maybe if I had just read another book, or maybe I should have contacted one the archangels. Or maybe in hell, but maybe I could have found something if I just had tried harder.

But I’m too late. I’m too late and I will never see you again. You will leave me and I will never see you again. I will never talk to you again. I will miss you.”

Aziraphale let his wings unfold and covered the Demon and himself in a white cocoon.

He pulled him into a tight embrace listening to the quietly beating heart until it stopped.

He kept Crowleys body close to his. He might had wasted 6000 years, but he would stay with him until the end. He would stay with him until his body and soul had completely vanished.

Tears were running down his face “I love you Crowley. I always had, and I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you survived so far.
> 
> *SPOILER* Please only read if you need some encouragement for the next chapter *SPOILER*
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> There will be a happy end, I promise!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As all of you were so despreatly waiting for the next chapter here it is ;-)

Aziraphale didn’t knew how long he had buried his face in Crowleys hair mourning over the loss of his love. Crowleys body had never felt that cold before.

 

Crowleys mind was trapped inside his body. He wasn’t able to move anymore, all he could do was waiting until his soul or whatever it was in his case would vanish to.

Waiting for the end and listening to Aziraphales words. He whished he could answer him. He wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, that he forgave him and how much he loved him.

But he couldn’t open his eyes or mouth, couldn’t move a single muscle.

His mind was screaming in his silent prison, the pain of hearing Aziraphale suffer without any chance to help him ever again was hurting him more than all physical pain he had endured over the last months.

He couldn’t breath anymore and he could feel his heart getting weaker and weaker with every beat.

He had imagined that dying would frighten him. But Aziraphale pulled him into his arms, an aura of love surrounding him making him feel completely save.

 

He didn’t know how much time had gone by only his mind still active in his lifeless body. The Angel hadn’t moved from his site, his love still surrounding him. A strange feeling tingled in his chest, like a spark running through his veins settling into his heart. It tried to remember, it tried to remember how to beat again, starting only with a twitch in an unsteady rhythm, once or twice per minute, getting stronger with every hour that passed by finally managing to perform a proper beat. 

Crowleys was confused. He should be dead. His body had been dead. His mind should have gone to sleep and then his body was about to vanish.

But his heart was beating again raising the hope in him that he might survive. That he might wake up again, that he might be able to talk to Aziraphale again, that he could return to his Angel.

 

His heart needed nearly two days to beat in his normal rhythm again only than he felt to have enough strength to try to take his first breath. It wasn’t more than a shallow intake of breath, but it encouraged him to try it again and again. After only a few tries he felt tired already, his chest burning but he would not give up. He would do everything he could to get a second chance with his Angel. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he wouldn’t try.

He didn’t know if Aziraphale was asleep or if his breathing was not noticeable enough for the Angle to recognize but he hadn’t moved yet. So he continued and concentrated on the task to keep his breath steady. After a few hours he felt his breath becoming stronger again, the sudden intake of too much air resulting in a spasm of his lungs making him cough.

 

Aziraphale nearly jumped from his sleep as the body in his arms started shaking and coughing.

“Crowley” he whispered in disbelieve “you …” he saw the steady movement of Crowleys chest and pressed and ear over his heart, hearing it beating steadily again.

“Oh my god, Crowley you are alive.” Tears of joy spilled from his eyes as he rolled the Demon back on his back to inspect him further.

“Oh, thank god” he murmured as he found the black lines covering Crowleys body fading into a light grey and his skin color returning from the pale grey to its usual one.

 “You’re going to be ok love, you’re going to be ok” he kissed him gently on the lips.

His mind needed some time to catch up on the sudden events. He checked his watch realizing it had been sixteen days since Crowleys heart had stopped beating.

His body was stiff from the long time not moving, he stretched gently to get some feeling back into his limps before he jumped into action, spurred on by the adrenaline flooding his body.

He started with taking a quick shower, he hadn’t realized how much he had needed it until the soothing hot water covered his body and let his mind form a clear thought again.

Crowley was alive, he was not yet awake, but he was alive and Aziraphale thanked god for it.

After he had put on a fresh set of clothes he gathered some supplies and cleaned Crowleys body, covering him in a clean blanket afterwards making sure he stayed warm.

The Tea he miracled into existing had never tasted that good and Aziraphale realized he was starving. Miracled food wasn’t as the real stuff but he refused to leave the bedroom again.

 

Aziraphale stayed with him for another week covering him with his wings at night and helping his body heal during the day. Crowley hadn’t moved again, just kept breathing until one morning Aziraphale awoke to the Demons body slightly stirring.

He opened his eyes glancing into bright yellow ones with snake like pupils.

“Crowley? You’re awake” a bright smile spread over the Angels lips “you’re alive.”

He folded his wings behind his back kissing a still disoriented Crowley “oh thank god, you’re alive, I love you, you’re alive. I can’t believe it, how is this possible?”

“Hi” answered Crowley hoarsely.

“I’m sorry” answered Aziraphale “you’ve been nearly dead we should…”

“I can see you.”

“I know.” Aziraphale smiled “I can see it in your eyes.”

“I’m tired angel.”

“I know. How about you go back to sleep, and I prepare some tea and something to eat. You will need it to get your strength back.”

“I don’t want to sleep. I slept enough.”

“You need it. I will wake you up when tea is ready.”

“I love you angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, whoever is wondering how and why Crowley survived has to wait for the last chapter ;-)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is, the final chapter, I finished it *wahoo*  
> Have fun ;-)

“It was a strange feeling existing in dead body.

It was like my mind was locked up into a prison. None of my senses worked anymore, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear or feel something. But I knew you were there, I felt you protecting me, and I can’t thank you enough for it, I had been so afraid before, but your presence calmed me.”

 

Sprawled over the couch Crowley held the glass of wine in his hand. Aziraphale had insisted that they would drink tonight as he had hoped it would make it easier for the Demon to talk about his feelings.

The first days after Crowley had woken up Aziraphale had been too busy making sure that Crowleys body was well that he hadn’t noticed how quiet the Demon had become.

When Crowley was back to his old strength and life went on a little bit more normal than before he had found Crowley over and over sitting on the same chair staring out of the window not reacting when he approached him.

Whenever he had asked him about that unusual behavior Crowley just had answered “I’m fine.”

The Angel felt that something was bothering him, noticing and feeling all the small differences in Crowleys behavior in their day to day life and towards him.

They say that time heals everything but Aziraphale was not willing to waste anymore time not matter what the issue was.

Luckily it wasn’t too difficult to tempt the Demon into the first glass of wine and also the rest of the bottle was quite easy while Aziraphale had distracted him enough for Crowley to not notice that Aziraphale was till busy with his first glass.

 

“I should be dead.” Crowley started finally on his own accord.

“I was dead. My body was dead, and I should have died too. But I’m still here, why?”

“I don’t know. But I’m very glad that you are not.”

“I felt my heart stopped beating.”

“Maybe the quantity was miscalculated, and it wasn’t enough holy water to kill you.”

“Any amount of holy water injected into my bloodstream should have killed me at a point of time and you know that.”

“Then maybe it was a gift from god.”

“Why should god gift me something? She let me fall you remember? She threw me away, she wouldn’t gift me anything.”

“Well, it could have been a gift for me, but whatever it was you are here, you are alive, I haven’t lost you and even if the last six months had been the worst in my entire life, all that matters to me now is that you are at my site and I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe and happy.”

Crowley smiled slightly “I know angel, but I can’t stop wondering. This thoughts, this question is in my head, it’s screaming, and nothing can silence it.”

“I think I know what can silence it, at least for a while.” Aziraphale winked at him.

“Come on love, it is a wonderful night.”

 

Crowley stopped the Bentley on an empty road at what he would call the middle of nowhere. Aziraphale called it the countryside. Crowley would define himself more as a city dweller and usually didn’t just drove into some abandoned acres but he was curious what the Angel was up to.

“What are we doing here angel? Here is nothing but endless fields. Isn’t it a little bit late for a picnic?”

“We’re not here for a picnic” Aziraphale smiled and spread his wonderful white wings which shimmered in the moonlight.

“We’re here for a flight. We haven’t been in the sky for too long.”

Crowley smiled openly for the first time in weeks, letting his wings sway in the warm wind.

Aziraphale mirrored his smile as he watched the Demon took off into the air so easily.

The Angel savored the feeling of the wind on his wings a moment longer before he followed him. They chased each other through the night sky flying high in the air and too close to the ground never letting the other out of sight.

 

“Love” Aziraphale said suddenly, landing on a soft spot of grass “Come over here.”

“What is it Angel?”

“There is something on your wing. Like a spot.”

“A spot? How can there be a spot?” he tried to find it by bending his head in a nearly impossible way.

“I don’t think you can see it without a mirror” the Angel said stepping behind him “It’s right here” he touched the Demons right wing.

“What is it?”

A sudden burst of light brightened the area as Aziraphale snapped his fingers to inspect the wing more closely.

“It is not a spot.” He murmured “It is a small patch of white feathers.”

“Whiter feathers? What do you mean with white feathers?”

Aziraphale rolled his eyes and quickly plucked out a small one.

“Hey, what was that for?”

“Here” he handled the demon the feather “a white feather. There are some more of them.”

Curiously Crowley rolled the feather between his fingers.

 

“It might be just a theory love, but I think that is the reason why you’re still alive.”

“What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

“Even though you’re mostly a demon, you are now more than that. You are partly an angel. And an angel can’t be killed with holy water. The angel in you survived, the holy water vanished and then the rest of yourself regenerated.”

Crowleys face showed his disbelieve “Do you really think that?”

“I always thought that you a more than just a demon” Aziraphale winked “But yeah it makes sense doesn’t it?”

“It does. Yeah, I think it does. But I will need a few days to get used to the idea.”

“We have all the time in the world angel” Aziraphale smiled at him wickedly

“Oh no, don’t call me that, that’s my part. You have to come up with something else.” He grabbed the Angel by the neck and pulled him into a kiss.

“Let’s go home.”

 

Holding each other’s hand, they walked back to the Bentley, their wings touching slightly. A black one with a small white spot next to a white one with a small black spot like yin and yang.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's done, this is the end ... I planned on only writing this one story as this idea for it just popped to my mind and I had to write it. Now I think there might be some potential to make a series out of it an start a sequel ...   
> I will think about it over the weekend, maybe I can come up with something ;-)
> 
> P.S.: Thank you again very, very much for all your comments, they made me all very, very happy :-)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No chapter, just some information for the subscribers.

Hi everyone :-)

 

I'm so glad you all enjoyed this story, I got so much positive feedback from you that really inspired me. 

As some of you, and also me want to see how this story could continue I decided to write at least two more stories following this one.

You can find them here: <https://archiveofourown.org/series/1407586> 

 

I hope to see you all there again :-)

 

Love you all

 

Eladriel

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Please Don't Cry Angel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19354795) by [ForestDweller89](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForestDweller89/pseuds/ForestDweller89)




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